The bizarre things I saw on my wacky April Fools Day run

It may be April Fool’s Day, but my run today was no joke. From the moment I left the house I knew something was up and things kept getting weirder the further I went. For a mere three mile run, it sure was eventful and strange. I hope things get back to normal tomorrow.

We like almost all of our neighbors. On our left and across from us are some of the nicest, helpful, friendly people we know. They’ve helped out when we had the boys, keep an eye on the house when we go on vacation, and have even let our dog swim in their pool - even though he hated it. However, we cannot stand our new neighbors who are closest to us. Sure, it might be that their jacuzzi is essentially right under our bedroom window so everything sounds louder, but they are still the worst. The house sold last winter and is apparently being used as some sort of combination weekend retreat and religious temple. 9 out of 10 days, no one is there. During the week, it’s very often the case that a car is there when one of us gets home, and then is gone when the other does a few minutes later. It then reappears sometime in the middle of the night. One night they drove an ATV around their backyard which is less than a half acre and 90% covered by a pool. Four times we’ve had to call the cops after midnight due to noise. One night was literally a group of over a dozen orthodox men singing folk songs complete with a horn and guitar.

When I went out to run today, I heard very loud music which I naturally assumed was coming from next door due to four cars which had appeared in the 30 minutes since we got home from shopping. A few feet up the street on my run, I realized it was coming from across the street at another neighbor’s house and it was live music. Ok, I figured, they must have a teenager practicing for a band. As I came back down the street around a mile into my run, the band was heading out. It wasn’t a teenager but 4 middle aged men leaving with their equipment. I can’t wait for the concert series.

Things proceeded normally for the next mile. I jumped over the miniature stream that pools at the bottom of the road from snow runoff and a poorly surfaced road. I also remembered that the last time I had a giant Italian sub from Cosmo’s in Hackensack, made slightly famous from The Sopranos, that I pledged to never have one before running again. I remembered why.

A little before mile two, I turned a corner and found myself face to face with an octogenarian woman carrying a baseball bat. I’ve been reading a lot of post-apocalyptic fiction lately so I naturally worried that she might confuse me for a zombie and bash me with the Louisville Slugger. I gave a wide berth while passing and looked back to see her rummaging through the recycling bins lined up where the bat had apparently come from. To be fair, it was a nice looking bat.

Finally, when approaching the house at mile three, I realized the sky was blotted out by circling buzzards. A swarm of turkey vultures often hangs out around the mountain nearby, floating on the thermals one presumes. However, it’s a bit disconcerting to find them circling your house like a Looney Tunes cartoon. I had to yell at one, more like a frightened yelp while I cleared my throat when he circled low.

I jumped into the house, hoping to stay put until this bizarre day passed. I’m not a big fan of April Fool’s Day, I find the jokes often bland and pathetic, but this day outside was weird even for me. Let’s hope April second is a more normal day so I can have a regular eight mile run.